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Oct 17, 2019
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Hey, Muffinbutt!

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I am an previous man — thirty-five, even! — however periodically, I am going by means of a type of ‘second childhood’ phases. I believe I am on my eighth or ninth by now; it is laborious to maintain monitor.

The most recent part concerned attempting out the music that the younger whippersnappers are listening to nowadays. A couple of songs in, I discovered an intriguing development — calling individuals out with food-related nicknames.

A working example is that this music: ‘Discovering Out True Love Is Blind’, by Louis XIV. On this one, the singer saves his gastronomical metaphors for the women. For example, the music begins with:

Ah, chocolate woman…

We’re additionally handled to a few renditions of:

Hey, carrot juice…

See? ‘Carrot juice’ is a metaphor, cleverly referring to a redhead. And ‘chocolate woman’ means a black woman, most likely. She’s even acquired a ‘vanilla pal, later within the verse’; possibly that one is white. Or blonde. Or albino — and what’s hotter than that? I ask you.

Both that, or this man is choosing up chicks in a cafeteria. How the hell ought to I do know? I am too previous to be decoding any of this loopy new music nonsense.

Then again, I do prefer to sustain with the new new traits. And if that is how the kiddies are speaking now, then I am down. So, I bopped into work at this time to check out a phew phat phood-related greetings of my very own. The phirst — I imply, first — individual I bumped into was the receptionist. Good.

Me: ‘Hey, Picklesocks!’

Her: ‘Hello, Cha– what did you simply name me?’

Me: ‘Um… nothing. By no means thoughts.’

Okay — tough begin. Hey, I am new in any respect this jive speaking. I am going to get the hold of it. Subsequent, I bumped into my officemate.

Me: ”Sup, Yogurtnose?’

Him: ‘Excuse me?’

Me: ‘I mentioned, uh… good morning. That is all.’

Him: ‘You are a dork. You understand that, proper?’

So — oh for 2. Good factor the fellows from the workplace down the corridor walked by quickly after. Apply makes excellent, proper?

Me: ‘Yo, Cheddarballs! Tacobutt!’

Them: * shaking heads and strolling away *

Me: ‘What? Come on! I count on that out of you, Tacobutt. However Cheddarballs, I assumed we was tight, brother!’

Dammit. Apparently, follow makes preposterous. I have been grossly misinformed. However I had one final probability to get it proper, when my boss stopped by to say hi there.

Boss: ‘Hi there, Charlie.’

Me: ‘Yo, Fudgypants. What’s shaking?’

Boss: ‘Did you simply name me… ‘Fudgypants’?’

Me: ‘Er… no. No, not if you are going to take that

perspective about it. How about ‘Cabbageface’?’

Boss: ‘Cabbageface? You positive about that?’

Me: Not any extra, no. Pumpkinhead? Coffeebreath? Tunadrawers? Assist me out right here.’

Boss: ‘Charlie, inform me — do you get pleasure from working right here?’

Me: ‘Properly, positive. Up till about thirty seconds in the past, anyway.’

It was just about downhill from there. Previous ‘Tunadrawers’ known as me into his workplace and skim me the riot act. So, I am nonetheless employed, however the foody names are on everlasting hiatus. I suppose I am going to by no means be one of many cool youngsters. Fiddlenuts.

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